A Difficulty With Dwarves by Craig Shaw Gardner

Author:Craig Shaw Gardner [Gardner, Craig Shaw]
Format: epub
Published: 2010-05-01T19:05:03+00:00

TEN

‘One should never attempt a spell without sufficient practice. Then again, one should never get eaten by demons, either, or have to go without a date on Saturday night.’

SOME THOUGHTS ON APPRENTICESHIP by Wuntvor, apprentice to Ebenezum, greatest mage in the Western Kingdoms

(a work in progress)

‘We have to talk.’ I whispered urgently to the Brownie. ‘How do we get in touch with my master?’

‘Have no fear!’ Tap reassured me heartily.’ Tis as easy as making shoes.’

‘Say!’ Brax called cheerfully across the field. ‘I think I’ve finally found the contrac -‘ The salesdemon’s voice was abruptly cut off as he found a set of long, nasty-looking purple claws resting on his shoulder. The claws belonged to Guxx, who seemed to have stopped sneezing for the time being.

‘Begin!’ Guxx bellowed in the other demon’s ear. Brax hastily dropped the contract and picked up his drum.

Guxx took a deep breath and recited:

‘Mighty Guxx, the best of demons Has no fear of this Duck’s ovens!

We shall join you, boldly, bravely: All will flee, in fear before us!’

The demon raked his claws through the air for emphasis.

‘Indeed,’ I replied when I realized that the former Grand Hoohah was waiting for a reaction. ‘Nice to have you along. Now if you’ll excuse me -‘

‘Continue!’ Guxx roared. Brax beat his drum.

‘Mighty Guxx says we should hurry! There are many who would stop us; Traitor demons, down below here, Who want this world for their foul reason!’

‘Indeed,’ I answered again. ‘Um. . . indeed.’

Apparently it was going to be more difficult to quiet Guxx down than I had first imagined. Still, there must be some way I could get a moment free to talk to the Brownie. I decided to try another strategy.

‘Good advice, I am sure,’ I called to Guxx as I continued to walk away. ‘And we will hurry, I assure you, as soon as we get a good night’s sleep.’ I paused to yawn and stretch. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse -‘

‘Persevere!’ Guxx screamed. Brax continued to beat.

‘GuxxUnfufadoo, never tiring, Guides our heroes into battle! Who needs sleeping? Who needs eating? When this great demon leads us onwards!’

I cleared my throat. ‘Indeed,’ I murmured. Guxx seemed to be a demon used to getting his own way. What could I do?

Tap looked up at me with some consternaton. ‘Is it time for Brownie Power?’

I glanced at the little fellow. What did I have to lose?

‘Indeed,’ I asked. ‘What kind of Brownie Power did you have in mind?’

‘It’s a challenge, all right,’ Tap agreed, glancing at the heavily clawed and muscled Guxx. ‘But Brownies are always ready for a challenge. How do you think we came up with high-buttoned shoes?

‘What if -‘ The Brownie shook his head. ‘No. The demon would slice through any shoe I could conjure. Even a really big shoe.’ He paused a moment in thought. ‘How about ...” The little fellow’s frown deepened. ‘No, that thing wouldn’t even notice a rain of buckles and laces.’

‘Does all your magic have to center on shoes?’ I asked with a hint of hysteria.

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